My Doubts Trial

So this is just a part of what I went through, and is kind of the unedited short version. I might change it a little in the future, I just wanted to have it here for people to see.

There was a period in my life where I was plagued with doubts about the church.  Though at the time I could see no specific cause, it felt as though my testimony had been ripped from me.  I had memories of a testimony and spiritual experiences, but they seemed a fuzzy memory.

My specific doubts were varied and numerous. Most came from anti-mormon sources that at the time I had no way to verify its truth.  These included disputations about biblical scripture, and historical and scientific issues.  

Like many others, I also struggled greatly with knowing whether what I was feeling was actually the spirit?  How did I know that it was?  Was I sure?  I have felt good feelings many times, listening to music, hearing about an exciting thing, how did I know?

In a similar way I also feared being biased. I knew that I was greatly invested in the church, and leaving the church would not be an easy thing to do.  Most of these fears came from criticisms I had heard against the church.  Among them came my fears of being self-deceived, confusing emotion for the spirit, imagining an answer because I want it, or “feeling good” about the Church simply because it was ingrained in me as a child.  I would doubt any answers I thought I had received because I feared to do one of the things above.

  

For example, during this time I prayed constantly for a witness of the gospel using Moroni’s promise.  But part of Moroni’s promise included the injunction to have real intent. I interpreted that to me that if an investigator of the church had to really intend to join the church if they got a yes answer, than I must be willing and have real intent to leave the church if I get a no answer. So I doubted I would receive an answer because I was not truly willing to leave the church. The church was part of my very being.  It was my culture, my family, my relationship with God, and my commitments.  Could I really be as a child and tell the Lord I would be willing to leave it?

One scripture from Alma 32 kept me going at that time.   “34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing”.  At the time I could not say that I had a perfect knowledge of the truthfulness of the church.  But I had a perfect knowledge or--“I knew”--that at one point I did have what I thought was a testimony of the church.  I knew that at one point I had felt wonderful feelings that I thought were impressions from the spirit.  I knew that the church brought me happiness. I knew that at one point I had seen miracles from the priesthood. And there were many other elements that I knew at one point I considered part of my testimony.

But during that time I constantly used the Lord’s method to discern truth.  I studied the scriptures, prayed about everything, and wrote in my journal.  I would have what I thought were incredible spiritual experiences, but the next day would wake up still feeling the doubt.

I pleaded for a witness and a testimony for months. It occupied all my thoughts. It seemed to no avail.  But I kept waiting for my seed of testimony to burst through the soil. And it did. The answer came through the scriptures with a spiritual witness so powerful that all doubt was purged from my mind and body.  The answer was so specific, it felt like the Lord was there personally addressing my concerns that only he knew about.  I felt as though I had seen an angel.  The doubt never came back.  With the doubt removed, I was also able to look back and recognize the dozens of signs and spiritual experiences that I had received during my doubts trial, though I did not recognize them at the time.

I used to wonder why the Lord waited so long to answer my prayer. Was it not likely that I would eventually give into doubt and quit watering my seed of testimony?  But the Lord knew what was best for me.  He knew that a continual feeling of doubt would cause me to seek more diligently than I had ever sought for a testimony of the Gospel. And that that effort of seeking would qualify me (DC 82:10) for the blessing of a witness of the Gospel that could never be shaken.  I am grateful for my experience in so many ways.

I promise you that you can receive a similar witness. The Lord wants to give it to you.  He is generous is giving revelation. So do not give up yet.  Enos speaks of the wrestle he had with God.  I’ve wrestled, and doubted, but answers did come.  Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. 

I conclude my testimony with Alma’s promise: If ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish [your testimony] as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life. 42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.